|
4.15.2005
- link
godless heathen
or how i rejected the seed of the lord almost as quickly as i received it
once i was dating this guy who was in the seminary studying to become a priest. i know what you're thinking: priests can't date. or perhaps you're thinking something slightly more qualified along the lines of: priests can't date girls. or perhaps you're going one step further and thinking: priests can't date adult females. the deal is that he wasn't in the catholic seminary. this priest was catholic lite, which is to say that he was a member the episcopal church.
it's important for you to know that this was a great departure for me. in addition to not being a religious girl, i've never even been convinced that god even exists. it's hard to take your boyfriend's work seriously when part of you believes that his boss is figment of his (and lots of other peoples') imagination. but i gave it a go because i'm such a generous girl and also because i was in the throes of my thyroid situation and at 210 pounds, i didn't have a lot of other options.
so our sex life was a little peculiar. as you might imagine, he was an "everything but" kind of sexual partner. but what you might not know is that included in the "everything" was fairly naughty stuff, such as spanking or hardcore porn. so we explored lots of avenues of alternative sexual activity for awhile and then finally it was time to hanker down and get serious about oral.
so he goes down on me. awesome. i go down on him. seemingly awesome. we're in our groove. we're taking turns. it's hot. it's sexy. i do my thing. then he finally does his thing and i decide, for whatever reason because i don't always make this decision, that i'll go ahead and swallow. he's a holy man, afterall...i'm sure his semen is pure.
moments later while he was in the bathroom tidying up, i got the most overwhelming urge to purge and ran to the kitchen and totally vommed in the kitchen sink. apparently his boss, aka the lord almighty, did not deem my sinful body an ideal vessel for his sacred seed and therefore quickly devised a fairly violent and dramatic exit strategy on the spot.
for a brief second, i thought perhaps i should reconsider my feelings regarding the church, god, and/or his disciples, but then had a drink and came to my senses. but all you sinner church-goers out there, please be sure to identify the nearest exit and closest bathroom facility before ever again accepting the blood or the body of christ after mass because very few things are more mortifying than projectile vomiting into the collection plates.
peace be with you. (and also with you.)
- - -
4.14.2005
- link
i wish i wrote this. but i didn't. stephin merritt did. that damn genius.
meaningless?
you mean it's all been meaningless?
every whisper and caress?
yes yes yes, it was totally meaningless.
meaningless, like when two fireflies fluoresce.
just like everything i guess.
it was utterly meaningless.
even less...
a little glimpse of nothingness.
sucking meaning from the rest of this mess.
yes yes yes, it was thoroughly meaningless.
and if some dim bulb should say we were in love in some way,
kick all his teeth in for me.
and if you feel like keeping on kicking, feel free!
meaningless.
who dare say it wasn't meaningless?
shout from the rooftops,
and address the press...
ha ha ha it was totally meaningless!
meaningless.
meaning less than a game of chess.
just like your mother said, and mother knows best.
i knew it all the time but now i confess...
how deliciously meaningless.
how effervescently meaningless.
how beautifully meaningless.
how profoundly meaningless.
how definitively meaningless.
how comprehensively meaningless.
how magnificently meaningless.
how incredibly meaningless.
how unprecedentedly meaningless.
how mind-blowingly meaningless.
how unbelievably meaningless.
how infinitely meaningless.
- - -
4.13.2005
- link
bcn
barcelona was great. what else can i say? extra special non-drunken thanks to greg and pippa, joe and cecile. and now, as someone much wiser than i once said, onto the show:
general barcelona gallery
day trip to the cava place gallery
day trip to sitges gallery
apologies in advance for non-touched up images, boring images, out of context images, and/or the generally crappiness of most of the snapshots. i never fancied myself a photographer, tyvm.
- - -
4.9.2005
- link
therapy, of the massage variety
apparently i store my repressed emotions in my neck. my neck, by the way, happens to be shortened as a result of all this excess emotional storage. apparently when one's neck is shortened, the muscles are just kind of too tight thereby reducing the length. i could technically be a statuesque 5'4" if i didn't keep all my baggage in my neck.
so today, during my first ever professional massage, liam, my first ever professional massage therapist (who was hot and i believe heterosexual but who also was wearing unfortunate earrings but really aren't all earrings on men unfortunate?), gave my neck some special attention. the left side stretched out fairly easily. as he was doing the stretching, i could feel it tingling in my arm. and that was cool. then when he got to the right side, something else happened. in addition to being able to feel it in my arm, i also apparently felt it in my funny bone because i began to laugh uncontrollably. like, belly laughter. cackling, more like. probably the kind of noise that distracts the relaxation of people in other rooms who are listening to the crickets and waterfalls on nature-ish white noise cds attempting to chill the hell out.
soon thereafter, i began to cry.
sob, actually. and then i started laughing again because i was crying. and laughing. it was all so absurd! and liam explained that it was fairly common and that all kinds of crazy shit can come up when someone works on your neck. and because i was still laughing, he started laughing. and i don't think i've ever felt more relaxed or less uptight in my entire life. i can't wait for my next appointment. maybe i don't need actual therapy afterall. maybe massage therapy is where it's at.
here's to happy endings.
- - -
|
