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3.25.2005
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the coiner of (hip) phrases
"i remember when [drinking] a whole bottle of wine felt like a problem. now it feels like a solution."
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3.23.2005
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haiku war
him:
the gauntlet is down.
we'll see who gets an ass kick.
my kung fu is the best, hear?
me:
uh - bring it on, bitch.
my new fighting technique is
unstoppable. word.
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3.17.2005
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where does rubber come from?
jennifer's recent post reminded me of all the time and effort i put into becoming the judgmental bitch i am today. and if you know me, you're probably thinking one of two things right now: she's not a judgmental bitch or oh my god, she's such a judgmental bitch. well, you're both right. it's this kind of dissonance that makes me the unique individual you all know and love today. i think there's a line from the movie magnolia that pretty much sums me up: i'm quietly judging you.
allow me to provide you with some background. i was a fat kid. the word "husky" still makes me cringe because that was the kind of jeans my mom had to buy for me all through grade school. when you're a fat kid, you have only a tiny sliver of hope at ever being popular. that sliver of hope is known to most as comedy. a sense of humor. if you're a fat kid, you have to be funny because otherwise the other kids will eat you alive. comedy was my ticket to popularity.
unfortunately for tammy hinspeter, all she had was fat. well, she was also pretty smelly (like vinegar and fish, actually) and her family moved to town when we were in 4th grade. so yeah, tammy was a fat smelly new kid and we all hated her guts. tammy had a curse: she was painfully shy and she still believed in santa claus in the 6th grade.
what does santa claus have to do with this story? well, you see, one day mrs. petersen was talking to the class and mentioned something about the myth of santa claus and tammy started crying. she sat there sobbing because mrs. petersen just rocked her whole notion of christmas and presents and whatever else happens when little kids find out about santa.
i'm not sure how you feel about public crying, but when you're in elementary school and you already have all those strikes against you, bursting into tears is not going to make matters better. all that blubbering is going to get you is teased in the girl's bathroom between classes. crying about santa, in fact, is going to get you shot in the butt by rubberbands by a group of popular girls.
and of course we so got busted by mrs. petersen, who had come into the bathroom to actually console tammy regarding the debunking of her favorite imaginary man. we had to skip our recesses and write reports about rubber trees and rubberbands and all kinds of other rubbery rubber things.
that's the day that i not only learned all kinds of useless facts about rubber, but also that i can be both a totally judgmental bitch while also feeling raked with guilt about it. but do not be confused - this guilt has nothing to do with me being an inherently good person who regretted her rubberband attack on tammy hinspeter. no, this is a guilt based purely in getting caught. and so the overarching lesson i learned that day that i carry with me even today is one of covert shallow thinking and internal damnation.
to sum up: yes, i am quietly judging you and enjoying every minute of it.
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3.12.2005
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from the desk of the president of the unexpected blow off: wtf?
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3.10.2005
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what's on your clipboard?
there's a funny little game i used to like to play all the time, which was to randomly paste whatever was on my clipboard into an IM and tell the other person to do the same. the end result was usually a URL or an email address, but every once in awhile you'd get some juicy tidbit or passage of text. i stopped playing this game when i started dating a lot because i'm not one to invite trouble into my life and the ol' copy/paste game is nothing but trouble when you least expect it.
that said, yesterday i got to experience first hand the embarrassment of the accidental clipboard debacle when my friend (who shall remain nameless...we're all about protecting the innoc...er...guilty over here at maybeiam.com) was trying to give me a link to pics of her new car. what i got instead looked like this:
like minded couples. we prefer to meet couples where the gal is bi. this does NOT mean that every play session must have a FF bi experience (infact i'm VERY male motivated) but what we've found over time is that the couples where the gal is straight usually turns into a "you do my guy & i'll do yours" no, nada, not interested. that to me is a one on one, we love GROUP. now of course we are full swap, so we do hope the above happens, but we always want more than just one body touching at all times. we swap, and swap back...we like 2 on one, 3 on one and more..lol we are "GROUP" motivated, if we wanted a "one on one" we'd stick with each other.
and then there was a whole lotta "oops" and "um, not that!" and "haha" and of course a barrage of questions from a very curious me that looked something like "omg, are you swinging!?!? are you two swingers now? seriously? omg!"
so to the very brave readers out there, might i suggest a little game of clipboard mania to make your afternoon complete? in fact, let's make this interesting: i challenge all of you, swingers or otherwise, to right now this very second paste your clipboard into the comments of this post. let's get this party started. right?
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3.8.2005
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exes and currents and futures
as a girl who's been referred to as the poster child of online dating, i recently stumbled upon a new litmus test to determine whether or not someone is date-worthy. it makes total sense based on the time-honored tradition of leagues and types and the american dating caste system. here's what you do: ask for a photo of the person they were involved with for the longest period of time.
it may seem awkward and once you see the photo, you may wish you hadn't. let's explore a few of the possible scenarios that you may find yourself in once you've procured the photograph:
- s/he will look a lot like you
- s/he will look nothing at all like you
- s/he will look a lot like you only way hotter
- s/he will look nothing at all like you and is way hotter
- s/he will look a lot like you only way uglier
- s/he will look nothing at all like you and is way uglier
- s/he will look nothing at all like you because s/he is the opposite gender
- s/he will look like someone you wish you were dating
and that fun list of possible outcomes brings me to the only major glitch with this exciting little test of mine: it's impossible to decide if it's better or worse to be better or worse than the ex. on the one hand, being hotter than the ex means this person is movin' on up. they're trying to make a better life for themselves, and you're part of the home improvement process. on the other hand, being hotter than the ex could also mean that you are so far outside of their league and you could end up stooping just by being near them. but back to the original hand, if you are uglier than the ex, is this person now stooping because of a potentially bashed self esteem and are you merely a stepping stone in their recovery process? and back to the original other hand, if you are uglier than the ex maybe the upside is that you have a really great personality?
anyway, no matter which scenario you find yourself in, i'm convinced that this is the way to go because as if we're not shallow enough to simply judge the photos and correspondence of the potential date, we may as well go the distance and judge them on their past as well. but before you get too crazy, just keep in mind that you, too, are somebody's ex and as we speak a photo of you could very well be padding someone's ego or crushing their fragile soul. ouch.
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