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1.28.2005
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so that's how your mind works
getting unsober with someone for the first time is sometimes a scary proposition. you don't know how they'll behave when they stop being sober, they don't know how you'll behave when you stop being sober, but more importantly, you don't know how you'll behave when you stop being sober and for some, namely myself, that's some risky business.
so last night, when my friend david and i stopped being sober together, the following conversation ensued:
"the other day someone asked me what my type was and i replied 'someone with a vagina.'"
"someone who's vaginal, if you will."
"yes, a vaginal human."
"but david, you realize that opens you up to a lot of interesting opportunities - these days, vaginal doesn't necessarily mean they were born female. you could land yourself a hottie post-op type if you're not careful."
"oh god. i can't even really follow what you're talking about."
"perhaps you should specify that you like naturally vaginal humans."
"naturally vaginal. i like that. i think it was the name of courtney love's first band, but they realized it was a bit clumsy so they shortened it to 'hole'."
i think maybe david and i should think twice before venturing together into the world of intoxication again.
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1.20.2005
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rise and shine with me and my pal will
will: you don't need to try all of the cereal to know that cocoa pebbles are the best. you just know it. it is the best cereal in the aisle.
me: yeah, but when all you've had is generic wheaties your whole life, how do you know that kix aren't better than cocoa pebbles? you gotta try to be sure.
will: no you don't. quality shines through.
me: it's just that i've eaten every brand of cereal, plus yogurt, plus poptarts and i'm ready to find my ideal breakfast food and buy it in bulk but until i find it, am i supposed to go hungry?
will: i guess it's a question of how long you can continue to skip the most important meal of the day.
me: yeah, i think we're just in different places in our quest for the perfect way to start our mornings.
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1.19.2005
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dear people at hbo who are apparently investing heavily in kleenex stock,
please stop putting romantic comedies with happy endings on at night when really cool yet somehow still single girls are home alone and trying very hard to stay optimistic about everything. such romantic comedies with happy endings include but are not limited to "50 first dates", a charming little movie you ran tonight that ended mere moments ago.
please also stop airing night-time romantic movies with sad endings, romantic movies with mysterious endings, comedies with romantic undertones, dramas with romantic overtones, documentaries containing people who may currently be or were ever once in romantic situations, or horror movies without any romancey stuff at all because these movies give me bad dreams that make me grind my teeth and cause me to have mouth wounds when i wake up in the morning and what's romantic about a mouth wound? but i digress - clearly this isn't about me. *ahem*
anyway, if you'd be so kind, please put the hot and heavy romance stuff on during the daytime when happily (?) married housewives are home with their children and are looking for an alternative to "days of our lives" or "one life to live". give your evening audience more of the new clooney/soderberg production "unscripted" (which i see you're running a marathon of already - thanks!) or perhaps just re-run some "curb your enthusiasm" or "six feet under" or "sopranos" - all 100% totally acceptable options for the aforementioned single girl crowd. they're willing to work with you here, so please, hbo, throw these girls a bone.
signed very sincerely,
the girl who's trying really hard to be happy but who didn't happen to wake up on a boat in alaska with adam sandler this morning
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1.17.2005
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when i mention carl or justin to new school bloogers, they almost always get a blank look in their eyes and a clueless expression crosses on their faces. this makes me feel two things: way cooler than them because i am so old school and way lamer than them because i am so old school.
oh personal web, my how you've grown.
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1.10.2005
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today's to do list, in hindsight
- wake up after having more horrible dreams
- hit snooze
- repeat 3 times
- wake up for real but really late
- shower but don't shave - again
- predict that today will suck
- pledge to stop drinking until further notice
- take extra medication just in case
- schedule doctor appointment regarding the broken parts
- explain the broken parts to officemate
- expose gac to the aforementioned paranoid, psychotic girl
- remember earlier prediction about today's suckage
- shake fist angrily into the air and grrr!
- devise a distraction plan that does not include talking about it
- crawl into a virtual hole where no chocolate exists with gac until the drama passes
- revise start date on aforementioned pledge to stop drinking until further notice to tomorrow
- invite albie to happy hour
- ________________________? (stay tuned)
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1.6.2005
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does size matter?
for some reason, i'm not sure what, i've been buying a lot of jeans lately. this is probably a bad move because it might make me complacent in my weight loss journey, but also because i tend to wear jeans like i wear shoes - i find one great pair and wear them until they totally fall to pieces. but whatever, i've been buying a lot of jeans lately and i'm justifying it by buying them at marshalls, where jeans cost exactly $16.99. so what's the harm, right?
a few weeks ago, i had first date plans with this guy i met online. we were planning to meet up at tom bergin's for drinks at 9pm, which gave me plenty of time to hit up the marshall's jeans rack for a new pair that would make my ass look totally hot. (and they did, by the way. my ass was on fire!) so i got the pants, i took them to the checkout, and the checkout lady was all ghetto fabulously admiring my selection.
"giiiirl, where you find these?"
"on the rack where you guys put your jeans."
"what? no way, cuz i woulda seen them already."
"well, that's where i found them. on the jeans rack. in the jeans section."
"daaang, well are there any more?"
"i didn't see any, no. but then, you guys have a lot of jeans."
"hold up...you tellin' me you fit into a size 10?"
ok, no she just di'n't. that bitch did *not* just passive aggressively call me fat. she is the salesperson at marshalls and so i am pretty sure she could not have possibly just questioned the size of my jeans that i had already tried on, liked, and was paying for. at her checkout stand. while she was being paid to give me good customer service. and may i just point out that at 5'4", a size 10 is not especially complimentary, so to question it, well, that's just plain rude.
so whatever, my self-esteem can handle it because i'm a leo and i know i'm pretty freaking hot so i took my size 10 jeans and i went home to get pretty for my date. which, despite the slight bump in the road early in the evening, went extremely well and leads me to the second half of this story - the part where i bought more jeans for a subsequent date.
so, there i was back at the jeans rack at marshalls buying another pair of size 10 $16.99 jeans when i realized i was running late and quickly headed to checkout. i emphasize the part about running late, because it's the only reason i foolishly went to the checkout line with the ghetto fab ho bag from a few weeks prior.
"oh girl, these jeans are TIGHT!"
"yeah, i think you must've just gotten them in...there are a bunch."
"for real? from the limited for $16.99? that's tight."
(apparently she just discovered the adjective 'tight'.)
"yeah. cute pockets, right?"
(i decided to forgive/forget and try to play nice.)
"yeah, for real. but hold up...*you* can fit into a 10?"
(this is the part where i almost lost my shit but kept it together to respond.)
"yeah, but don't worry...you carry them all the way up to size 16."
oh SNAP! i glared at her. she glared back. and the rest of the transaction took place in complete, contemptuous silence. yeah, the game is on, bitch...so on. oh, and next time we're looking at a size 8. so take that!
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1.4.2005
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the 2005 getting to know me q&a
q: who are you?
a: i'm dana. who are you?
q: i'm the one asking the questions here. how old are you?
a: 29 and counting...
q: are you happy?
a: maybe.
q: are you sad?
a: maybe.
q: what's your favorite thing ever?
a: being up close to someone's face. as long as i like that someone more than a little. and they've recently brushed.
q: least favorite thing?
a: thinking of the slew of things i hate and trying to decide which one i hate the most. there are lots. and i hate them all equally. but george w. bush was the first thing that came to mind.
q: are you married?
a: oh god. no.
q: seeing someone?
a: i think so.
q: is he hot?
a: very.
q: are you hot?
a: smokin'.
q: do you think i'm hot?
a: i have to go now.
q: no, wait. come back - i was just kidding.
a: uh huh.
q: can i buy you a drink?
a: i thought you'd never ask. dirty ketel straight up.
q: what's up with that whole skampy thing?
a: i dunno. it's just a nickname that doesn't really mean anything.
q: oh. that's actually pretty lame.
a: i agree.
q: do you really need 280 friendsters?
a: no. but i want 500 of them.
q: would you say you're greedy?
a: yes. are you gonna finish those fries?
q: some guy told me you only update your blog when you're angry or experiencing a negative emotional situation. why is that?
a: a good reporter would find out if that's true before asking why.
q: is it true?
a: maybe.
q: i learned growing up that maybe almost always means no.
a: you had retarded teachers.
q: that's probably true.
a: i update whenever i've got something more important to be doing, such as work or cleaning my apartment.
q: can i come over sometime?
a: sure.
q: stay the night?
a: absolutely. mi casa es tu casa. unless you are any one of the following people: neal pollack.
q: but he's america's greatest living writer...
a: then he should be able to afford a nice hotel.
q: do you wish you were doing something you're not?
a: yes.
q: will you tell me what that might be?
a: yes.
q: ok. what do you wish you were doing that you're not?
a: i wish i was writing what will become the next big thing.
q: you mean you're not?
a: i am but a mere mortal who cannot predict the future. but stay tuned because you never know. are we done here?
q: just a couple more questions.
a: you get 2.
q: 2 is a couple.
a: i know.
q: i'm just saying.
a: what are you just saying?
q: what's one thing about yourself you wish you could change?
a: that i want to change several things about myself that i am unable to change without a lot of surgical and/or financial assistance.
q: so you don't think you'll ever change?
a: that's your last question. are you sure that's the one you want to ask?
q: yes.
a: could you please repeat the question?
q: so you don't think you'll ever change?
a: i'm not going to say it's not a possibility, but right now and for the foreseeable future, i'm going to work on digging what i've already got going on. which happens to be pretty great, actually.
q: wow. thanks.
a: anytime.
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