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7.28.2004
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i hope
it's been a pretty rotten year.
if you know me even a little bit, you know that my year hasn't been the nicest of years to endure. and if you know me even a little bit, you know that it's hitting me sort of hard and you know that i'm trying (oh, how i'm trying) not to cave under its weight and you know that i'm somehow keeping my head up and you know that every day that i wake up and go to my office and do my job is another whole day's worth of chipping away at my morale and my spirit and my energy.
it's going in cycles, i think. one month, something really bad happens and i hit a record low and then i spend the next whole month climbing out of the depths. and then as soon as i level out again, something else extremely bad happens and i fall back again and the cycle starts over. it's been happening this way since the beginning of the year. and i keep thinking that thing that people with their wits about them think in times like these: at least it can't get any worse. and then somehow, by some powerful act of fate or fucked up destiny, it gets worse. and then it gets even worse yet. and if you would have asked me even just one year ago if i ever thought that any one thing that i've endured this year would ever happen to me, i would have laughed at you incredulously. that's the gravity of the shit that i'm wading through this year and as a result i've been patiently standing by waiting for things to change. and today i finally figured out that standing by, idly waiting for things to get better, is perhaps the worst thing that's happened to me all year.
last night i was having dinner with a friend. the night prior we'd spoken drunkenly about our writing and other peoples' writing and i'm not sure if i outwardly applauded him for getting out there and writing and just fucking doing it or not, but if i didn't i definitely meant to. because that's something i'm not doing. he's writing. he's making a living writing. he's telling people his stories because he's not afraid to write. and last night i admitted to him that it wasn't a lack of ambition or a lack of talent that was holding me back. i told him and at the same time admitted to myself that i'm not writing because i'm so afraid of writing poorly or i'm so afraid of writing well and not being praised or i'm so afraid of writing amazingly and having no one read it. the point is that i'm not writing because i'm afraid of what comes after the writing.
i've been waiting anxiously for the movie 'garden state' to come out. tonight it opened in select theaters in new york and los angeles, so i went and i went alone. i got to the theatre and sat down and when the previews were over and the movie was beginning, for whatever reason i said to myself, "i hope this changes my life." and then i repeated it a couple of times, after thinking how silly it sounded even inside of my own head. i hope this changes my life. i hope this changes my life.
the movie began and in one of the opening scenes is a guy in a bed with white linens. the sheets are identical to the sheets on my own bed. the pillows are the same. white, on white, on white. and immediately i was relating and i was beginning to feel assured that this movie was going to mean something. a bit further into the movie the guy is at a party and the first person he has any sort of connection with is a girl. and the girl's name is dana. and as hoaky as this seems, and as silly as this is sounding outside of my head as i'm relaying this story to you, i knew this movie was going to change my life. and toward the end of the movie, the guy is talking to another girl and he tells the girl that she has changed his life. and then he repeats it to her...she changed his life. and i started crying just a little bit right there in the theater knowing for certain and once and for all that this movie has changed my life.
today a friend and i were emailing about our lives and all the various crap therein and i told her that i was all too familiar with the feeling of badness looming. but i went on to say, "i am really hoping that august is a whole new month. fuck that, i am hoping that august is a whole new everything, and i'm really looking forward to starting from scratch."
and so that is what i hope. and that is why i'm going to write. and i'm not going to stop writing because the minute i stop writing is the minute i go back to just standing by and there's not nearly enough hope in just standing by.
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7.24.2004
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the bad taste haiku
what kind of person
buys a camaro convert-
ible...and in brown?
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7.11.2004
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vodka
some people drink to remember. some people drink to forget. bryan and i drank until we couldn't remember making these videos. then we woke up, found these things, watched them, and began to drink to forget. enjoy. and then go grab yourself a drink.
cheese is a refreshing beverage
bun destruction
step it down a notch
it ain't drugs if it's cookies
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