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6.29.2004
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conjugal visits, cha cha cha...
ms. robinson,
dear dana,
my name is sir christopher a. hendrix III and i know this letter is quite a surprise to you. but please know that i mean you no disrespect at all. (#1) why am i writing?
well, i saw your photo and ad of brutal honesty in a magazine that i read. my opinion of it was simple. you are very beautiful, your ad was very honest. what more could a man want in a woman? however, i'm totally ashamed that i must respond to your ad from a jail cell. but don't look down on me cause i'm in jail. this is why i'm in jail. (brutal truth to you.)
i came into some money after my uncle passed away in 1970. only in 2000 i started to collect it. my ex-girlfriendnow would get me to buy her things which i'd do anyway but she was screwing my best friend as well. so one night we went out and i'd slipped one of her credit cards and treated her and 6 of her friends out on the town. she thought it was my card and it wasn't. :)
later during that week i told her & broke up with her. the district attorney calls me and says either pay off her $2647.62 bill or go to jail for 3 yrs. well guess what i chose? :)
anyway, i'm 34 yrs. of age, 5'10", 230 lbs. very stocky, brown eyes, and cute for a black man. i come from a very high profile family, just look at my last name. that's why i only got 3 yrs. i'll be out in feb. 2005 and will be leaving texas!!!
until then i hope you and i could keep in touch and see what happens. sorry this letter is short but my next one will be longer.
i'm working on a photo for you now but would love one of your. also, my cellie thinks i'm waiting my time and you will not write back. i bet him $5.00 you would within 15 days. now it's up to the beautiful young woman i find attractive to make me a winner!
respectfully yours,
sir christopher a. hendrix III
"rolex"
(ps) "rolex" is what all my friends call me because all my jewlry [sic] is made by rolex.
w/b/s
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6.17.2004
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i'm smokin'
this morning i came to work and got situated with my coffee and my water and logged into my machine, aim, msn and yahoo and was about to hit friendster to approve a request when all of a sudden and out of nowhere my monitor got all fuzzy and weird and then KAPOW! the fucking thing exploded.
ok, there was some prompting. before it literally exploded, it was twirping sort of like a dying bird. the display was entirely black, the cpu was turned off, and still the monitor was abuzz with noises and internal activity. so, being the technical genius that she is, my coworker nico bashed the thing. just gave it a good slap. it works with every other electronic device, she figured, so why not a monitor? and that's when the fucking thing exploded for real. with toxic smoke and all.
so, my dear readers, i'm in the market for a new monitor. in fact, i'm in the market for an entirely new workstation. i'm the primary graphic/web designer here, and i'm on a machine that, for whatever reason, will not let me work on a 300dpi file in photoshop while simulataneously trying to find some hot sexual action on jdate. granted, if the file is 72dpi or the guy i'm looking at on jdate isn't that good looking, it works alright for the most part. it's like my computer is trying to lower my standards in both design and in men. i wish it would fucking explode, too.
anyway, back to the request. do you work for a very large corporation? perhaps dell? maybe microsoft? would you like to donate a very nice, very powerful pc + bigger than 19" monitor to me here at my very poor, very limited-in-resources nonprofit that produces products for seriously ill kids? THESE KIDS ARE SICK, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
*ahem* please? i will love you forever and ever. amen.
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6.16.2004
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working title: i'm such an asshole
otherwise known as: i joined j-date for the hell of it and now i'm being punished
HPman819A1>: Hi...How are you? My name is Harry.
skampy>: hi harry.
HPman819A1>: Do you play tennis or horseback ride?
skampy>: nope.
HPman819A1>: What is your name?
skampy>: i'm dana.
HPman819A1>: I am a little older than you specified.I just turned 41 on June 8th.
skampy>: yeah, so i noticed.
HPman819A1>: My main hobby is tropical fish.would you be interested in talking on the phone and/or meeting for coffee or something.
HPman819A1>: Where are you from originally?
skampy>: i'm secretly afraid of tropical fish and quite afraid of the ocean, as a matter of fact.
HPman819A1>: My e-mail is [somethingrelatedtofish]@aol.com.Can we exchange phone numbers? I have had several articles and photos published about my fish.
skampy>: i don't think that's a good idea, harry. sorry.
skampy>: i enjoy eating fish. that's about where my interest in fish ends.
skampy>: perhaps sometime i could eat one of your fish?
HPman819A1>: ok.I have freshwater fish.I do not think you can know someone unless you meet in person.My dad and I own an Arabian horse which we keep and ride in Burbank.
skampy>: i don't feel as though you can really know someone until you kill, scale, and cook one of their fishes.
skampy>: and then eat it, obviously.
skampy>: but not their horse, of course. that's just silly.
HPman819A1>: I have eaten goat!I am not crazy about fish but I like shellfish to eat.
skampy>: i think the more exotic the fish you eat, the more exotic a person you can become.
skampy>: you know what they say, harry...you are what you eat.
HPman819A1>: Have you met anyone in person from Jdate? Have you tried speeddating? I have tried speeddating,speedmatching,online speedmatching,and even rapiddating!
skampy>: wow. you sound like a professional dater.
skampy>: i joined jdate yesterday afternoon...since then i've met 4 people, but two of them were fat and ugly and one of them was actually a woman disguised as a man but one of them was super cool and we made out.
HPman819A1>: I have never been married.I think it is tough to meet someone in L.A.Where are you from?
skampy>: i'm from iowa. it's really tough to meet people in iowa, especially when you're allergic to animals, like i am.
skampy>: one time i had a date and we went back to his sheep farm and he asked if i wanted to hold one of this baby lambs.
skampy>: i thought it was a trick to get me to sleep with him, but he really did have baby lambs so i held one.
skampy>: but then i got rashes and hives all over my body and he had to take me to the emergency room to get a hydrocortisone shot in the ass. but at least he got to see my bare butt. that's kind of risque for a first date, wouldn't you say?
HPman819A1>: I would think it would be easier to meet someone in the midwest than L.A. because everyone is so spread apart here.That is funny1
skampy>: i'm glad you can laugh at my pain. it was really mortifying.
HPman819A1>: I do not like to wear wool because it itches!
skampy>: oh my god, i don't like to wear jelly shoes because they pinch my toes!
HPman819A1>: I have had a pair of albino oscar fish that produced black or pigmented fry!
skampy>: fascinating. listen, harry...i gotta run. it was a pleasure talking with you. good luck with your fish.
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6.15.2004
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chug or dare?
sunday, during a second rousing edition of the wheel of intoxication in one weekend, there were a few more dares than i've witnessed in previous rounds of the game and that made life extremely exciting.
john had the luck of landing on chug or dare and opted to take the dare. which bryan, katie and i all had a hand in crafting. he had to call katie's super gay, super unemployed friend in nyc and pretend to be a very experienced, very gay man. he was further instructed to, at some point in the conversation, say the word "spritzer" and inform the guy that he just so happens to be a very hot top.
so katie dialed the number, john waited, and then...voicemail. in a very flamey, very lispy voice, john just called let him know that he was really interested in meeting up for a champagne spritzer the next time he was in nyc and then excitedly proclaimed that he was "a very hot cop."
hot. cop.
well, at least now all signs point to john being 100% totally and completely not gay. straight as an arrow. but i'll be damned if his homo spritzer impersonation isn't full-on fag. well done, john. next time, you might want to consider the chug option instead.
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6.9.2004
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monster.com, when will you learn?
 
i guess my first post wasn't enough to discourage you. what's that? you don't think millions of job seekers read my site, and therefore you fail to see the value of upgrading your stupid, ugly models to at least 6s and 7s? i'm not asking for the world, monster.com. i'm not even asking for a small third world country. all i'm asking for is a little consideration for my quick-to-turn stomach during these trying times.
or, actually...did you know that many people who are currently in dead-end jobs do their job hunting over their lunch hours? huh? well, did you? that's right, monster.com...i think you know where i'm heading with this one. perhaps you and dr. atkins (r.i.p.) or maybe even. ms. jenny craig could formulate a diet plan where your job searching website serves as an appetite suppressant, thereby increasing their success rates. think of the profits! the diet industry is way more lucrative than the job searching industry is, and if your calibur of models is any indication of how well monster.com is doing in the dollars and cents department, well, let's just say you could use a boost. a really, really, really, REALLY big boost.
anyway, monster.com...think about it. give it a little time to digest (ha!) and really let it sink in and i think you'll find my idea to be a good one. or, conversely, you could just hire some hotter models and put this whole "making me sick" thing to rest. it's your call, just please...make it soon.
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6.7.2004
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he got his b.s. from oral roberts university
i have a lot of opinions about oral sex. boy howdy, do i ever! i like going down, i like being gone down upon, i like watching people go down on other people in a pornographic situation. let's just say i'm pro-oral.
however, there are times and places when oral just isn't gonna work out. maybe you're camping and haven't showered in a day or two. no oral for you. maybe you're on your last day of your period and it's probably ok but you're not sure. no oral for you. maybe you have herpes or warts or hiv. no oral for you. in fact, you're not getting any action from this girl. what i'm getting at is that oral isn't necessarily all good all the time.
oral sucks (ha!) the most when your partner, the one who is actually going down, isn't into it. maybe s/he only likes to do it because s/he knows you're really into it. maybe s/he doesn't want his/her friends to find out s/he's an oral-phobe. maybe s/he is actually gay and doesn't actually like your brand of genitals. regardless of the reason, some people don't like going down and so don't waste your time trying to get them into it because when/if they do end up going down on you, it's gonna be so bad you'll wish you'd never even bothered in the first place. seriously, it's going to suck so hard you'll swear off oral forever.
so whether you're into oral or not, you're going to need some talking points when your partner brings the issue up.
into it, just not now
so you're into oral sex, but you have some rules. you're not down with shwetty balls or bloody whatevers, but you also don't want to offend. this one's easy peasy and will work everytime:
"my, aren't you a dirty, dirty girl/boy? let's shower together and get even dirtier!"
see, that's clever because you're being honest about the dirt factor but because the english language is so ambiguous s/he'll think your dirty talk is some good, clean fun. enjoy the shower, but bring lube for later because water isn't as slippery as you might think.
not into it
so you're not into oral sex. probably you went down on some nasty chick or dude you hardly knew and they were dirty or smelly or just generally gross and that put you off for life. you can't very well say you think everyone is smells sick or tastes gross, lest you never get laid again, so perhaps you could try this gem:
"i'm really into safe sex, so if i'm going to go down on you, you're going to need to wear a dental dam/condom the entire time."
if you use this excuse, chances are you're not going to have to go down. most girls are offended by dental dams and most dudes can't feel your mouth on the outside of a condom. however, be forwarned...you may end up chowing down on some latex if your partner is gung-ho on the safe oral sex tip.
into it always
you're the king/queen of oral and god bless you and your wanton ways. you don't need any tips, because you've figured it out and i love you. no, really...i actually love you but i miss you so give me a call sometime. it's been way. too. long...
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