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4.26.2004
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funny because it's true
from kevin's blog:
an al qaeda man having phone sex:
man: what are you wearing?
woman: a veil. it's black and it covers everything but my eyes.
man: oh yeah, that's hot. now tell me about what i'd find under that veil.
woman: bruises inflicted by a man dominating me and forcing me into servitude.
man: i'm so hard right now.
your everyday catholic confessional conversation:
priest: what color are your robes?
altar boy: red. they were white before you raped me, father.
priest: oh yeah, that's hot.
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4.21.2004
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dear las vegas,
i hate your guts. you are full of fat southerners with mullets. that is not charming. or attractive. that is ugly. and annoying. you are vaguely pretty at night and from a distance, what with all your glittering lights and tempting offers. but in the harsh reality called daylight, you are an extremely unattractive city. next time, if there is a next time, i'm going to need copious amounts of alcohol, drugs and hookers. likely in that order.
yours very truly,
dana j. robinson
p.s. the pork loin and prime rib didn't suck.
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4.13.2004
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hey, hey! ho, ho! gwbush has got to go!
maybe i am political. on the inside. way, way, way down deep on the inside. what can i say, my time at NOW warped me. anyway, about a year ago or so i found this picture and photoshopped it into this picture. and today i'd like to tell you about a brand new website that seems like a fairly new concept. at least to me. the girl who is only political way down deep.
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4.12.2004
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anniversary
this thursday, april 15th, tax day, happens to be my 2 year anniversary with the city of los angeles. the ways in which i've changed since moving to los angeles include but are not limited to:
1. my skin is no longer translucent and/or glow-in-the-dark. while not exactly tan, i no longer look dead.
2. my hair is no longer jet black and short...it's long and curly-ish and there's even some highlighted shit in the mix.
3. my literacy has been reduced to skimming jane magazine, vice magazine and the directv guide.
4. my commute no longer involves a train or any actual walking, unless you include the 20 steps i take to and from my remote-entry garage.
5. my diet is no longer vegetarian and in fact consists primarily of dead animals, including most of god's sea-faring creatures.
6. my drug consumption is no longer limited to pot and alcohol because here killing the pain is much easier than dealing with it.
7. my professional situation is the same as it was when i got here, except i make like $2 more than i did then.
so, in summary...i'm a dumb blonde now. welcome to california. does anyone know a good plastic surgeon? to celebrate i think i'll get something implanted.
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4.8.2004
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here are three little links because these days, every blogger is a photographer, too.
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4.1.2004
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the player got played
today is my favorite holiday of all time. it's the day where i get to lie, cheat, steal and then cover it all up by merrily shouting, "APRIL FOOLS!" i weave some good tales, i make people feel sorry/bad/mad/embarrassed/excited and then i put the kibosh on the whole thing with those two little words. april fools. the un-doer of anything on this, the first day of april.
i was on a roll today at work. i was IMing people with some wicked stories, prompting them into action and then stopping them just short of humiliating themselves by letting them in on the jokes. no, frank...i didn't ingest tide and start gurgling bubbles everytime i burped. no, andre...i didn't actually see owen wilson and ben stiller at asahi ramen. no, duane...i don't have a concussion and i didn't quit my job. no, becca...i didn't hide your keys. ok, i didn't actually hide becca's keys, but she was so paranoid that i was going to prank her that when she legitimately lost her keys she refused to believe it. so considering all my successes, i decided it was time to get the kids.
for those of you who don't know, i manage an online community for kids and teenagers. granted, they are sick kids and teenagers and what kind of a jerk am i to pull the wool over their eyes, right? well, i'm that kind of jerk so today i decided to pretend like i was ashton kutcher doing a celebrity chat with them. during the chat, i told them i was starting a new version of PUNK'D, called "PUNK'D: COLLEGE DAYS" where we go out and pull pranks on random college students. so i told them we were collecting dirt on this guy taco, one of our chat hosts, and asked them if they had any good gossip on him.
the kids were FREAKING OUT. they were buying it all, hook/line/sinker. so after a few minutes of this, i got bored and let them in on the joke by saying, "well, as much as we're totally gonna punk taco, it can't compare to how badly WE JUST PUNK'D YOU GUYS!! APRIL FOOLS!! SKAMPY RULES!!!"
oh, the anger. oh, the disappointment. oh, the anger again. they were so pissed at me. one girl kept saying things like "ATTACK" and "ANGER...ATTACK!" so i logged off. what better way to avoid retaliation online than to log off, right?
i decided to be fair, i would encourage matt (today's chat host) to help them gang up on me so that they could get the last laugh. they're just kids, afterall...i have to let them feel like they've won otherwise i really am some kind of big jerk. so matt and the kids plot and finally he says, "hey, log into the chatroom...it's time."
"hey dana, britney spears is at my house!" lauren exclaimed as soon as i logged into the room. well shit, how lame is that? i was totally disappointed at their lack of originality but decided to go along with it anyway. afterall, they're just kids!
then the phone rang. i answered, "this is dana."
there was a woman with a slightly southern accent on the line. "dana, this is so-and-so's mother and i'd like to know just exactly what is going on over there. she is a sick child and it has been her life-long dream to meet ashton kutcher and now she is sitting here crying her eyes out."
oh. fuck.
"ma'am, this is a program we do every year. the kids are fully aware that every april 1, we do some sort of april fools day joke. we usually vote on what sort of prank we'll play, and we never let it get too out of hand...usually only a few minutes and then we let everyone in on it."
oh. fuck. ooooooh fuck.
she wasn't buying it and went on to say "a JOKE? that's a sick and twisted joke. my daughter is 8 years old and..."
hold up. that girl is not 8 years old. she types way too fast to be only 8. ok, the jig is up. but, i had to remain professional because i had no idea who this woman was and still i could be wrong and the girl could be 8 but likely i was getting played. so instead, i was just silent. well, silent except for the extremely loud thumping of my heart from moments prior when i truly believed that this lady was legit and i was about to lose my job.
the lady was still carrying on. "let me speak to your supervisor!"
"ma'am, i am the supervisor," i assured her, still feeling a little nervous.
"oh yeah? well, some supervisor you are not to know that this is APRIL FOOLS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! this is debbye, lauren's mom!!! we so got you!! i am SO sorry, lauren made me do it! i swear!"
oh. my. god. omg. OMG. thank god. i can keep my job. ooooh thank god. after some still-nervous ha-haing and admitting being totally tricked for the first minute of the conversation we hung up. then, after another 15 minutes of coming down from my extreme adrenaline rush, i vowed never to play a joke on a sick kid ever again. and then, 15 minutes after that, i decided that next year i am TOTALLY GOING TO GET THOSE KIDS BACK BETTER THAN EVER.
so...watch out all you children and teenagers. april 2005 is coming and no one is safe.
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