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3.29.2004
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3.18.2004
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rebound-o-matic 3000
some people begin their rebounds the day after a relationship ends. other people wait awhile. some people dabble with both rebounding and celebacy. some people never stop rebounding, and just sleep their way around town hoping to avoid a new relationship at all costs. for this last group of people, i've created a product line that should revolutionize the way they get down (and then get back up again):
1. the rebound cane - a cane developed to assist the person with their morning-after walk of shame for those who bang the hell out of their mates and wake up a little stiff in the joints. the cane is available in many fashionable colors - buy one to match every outfit! comes standard with an attractive leather carrying case for storage during the off season.
2. the rebound walker - a walker (with wheels optional for an additional charge) for those can't stand or walk fully upright the day after trying out that fancy new vietnamese sex swing for 5 hours the night before. steadi-grip handles provide a sure hand even on the most precarious of sidewalks. folds up nicely for easily accessible under-the-bed storage.
3. the rebound wheelchair - an electric wheelchair (inflatable donut for comfortable sitting available free with purchase) for sluts and whores who rebound with multiple partners daily and have no hope of ever walking pain-free again. when a person rolls into a room in the rebound wheelchair, people are sure to notice. the chair says a lot about its owner, mostly something like, "this one's a sure thing - go get 'em tiger!" thereby eliminating the need to come up with clever pick-up lines forever!
get your rebound-o-matic today...buy all 3 and save big!
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3.11.2004
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who're my bitches?
this will tell me who my real friends are. do you love me? do you know the first thing about me? do you care? give it a whirl and whoever gets 100% wins a prize. a real prize, handcrafted by yours truly.
p.s. if you get 100%, you are probably stalking me and that's scary but i will still give you a prize. i will leave it outside my bedroom window where i know you're perched at night, cool? ok, cool.
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3.8.2004
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happy house warming to me. i sure do hope i can take a non-blurry photo when i grow up. gosh, that'd be neat.
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3.5.2004
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when peeing becomes an adventure
my toilet has a mind of its own.
i first noticed its funny behavior before i was fully moved in. i had a sofa. i had a table and a microwave stand leftover from the previous tenant. i had one box of electrical wires and old equipment that i'll never use ever again but can't seem to throw away.
i was sitting on the sofa and i heard a gurgle coming from the other room. i figured it was coming from the neighbor's apartment, so i just continued sitting on the sofa waiting for the mattress delivery guys to show up. then i heard the gurgle again. and then again. and again.
since there was nothing entertaining keeping on the sofa, i decided to investigate. the kitchen sink was dry as a bone - check. the bathroom sink also dry - check. bathtub - check! toilet? well well well...the toilet was not only retaining its usually level of water, it was also retaining a rather sizeable amount of foam. foam that smelled like soap. foam that moved with ever gurgle.
where did the foam come from? was the foam dangerous? did my toilet have indigestion? would the foam eventually gurgle its way out of my toilet and into hallway? into my bedroom? into my lungs and kill me silently while i slept?
apparently the foam is what comes out of my upstairs neighbors' dishwasher. at first i thought it was the result of the washer upstairs. however, the toilet gurgle foam didn't happen when i was doing laundry, so i quickly ruled that out. and i won't even go into the rage i feel when i think about my upstairs neighbors having a dishwasher while i wash all my dirties by hand.
anyway, the whole point of all this backstory is to tell you about my lunch hour. today i went home for lunch and because i've been consuming massive amounts of water, i had to pee like crazy when i got there. so i hastily ran into the bathroom, yanked down my drawers and prepared for relief.
and that's when i felt it.
the cold, bubbly, wet-ish toilet gurgle foam was greeting my bare ass with a zing! i couldn't be bothered, and went about my business. when i finished the necessary post-zing clean-up, i tried to figure out how i felt about the experience. on the one hand it was sort of refreshingly crisp and clean feeling...on the other hand i'm not sure if that foam is poisonous, not to mention the fact that it's made from toilet water. so, until i figure out if my toilet's personality is a "feature" or a "bug", it's toilet gurgle foam fun for me.
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3.3.2004
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more fun from the seth boyar files
skampgirl: i think i might seriously be partially retarded.
sethb1200: i know i am...
sethb1200: i have to do math with my fingers.
skampgirl: that's not retarded. that's primate.
sethb1200: i thought it was "cute".
skampgirl: monkeys are "cute", seth.
sethb1200: my point exactly...
sethb1200: i'm smart like a monkey.
skampgirl: and cute like a monkey, too?
sethb1200: naturally!
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