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4.22.2003
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six ways to please your lady
by dana j. robinson
1. if you are the type of boy who spends more time fondling/nurturing various electronic devices, that's ok. just understand that, like a computer, a lady who hasn't been rebooted in awhile may be hesitant to perform at optimum capacity. you may have to upgrade your operating system to get her up and running and back to normal. don't expect that flipping one switch is gonna turn her on automatically. you might have to flip a few switches, plug/unplug some things and even install a few additional items to make it work out. have faith...it worked in the past, it will work again.
2. if she's the type of girl who sneezes, be the type of guy who blesses her. a sneeze takes a lot out of a lady...the least you could do is give a little back.
3. investigate what i like to call "the little prince syndrome." learn to recognize trigger behaviors that set your lady off. it might have been ok to do these things when you lived at home, because maybe your mommy let you get by with some stupid shit or maybe no one loved you enough to tell you the difference between appropriate or inappropriate behavior...whatever the case, understand this: sometimes you are wrong and when you are you must apologize. little princes get beat up by big princesses when they're too stubborn to admit fault.
4. historically, ladies haven't ever made as much money as men. while this is unfair and stupid and annoying, we're going to have to figure out ways to deal with it. so then, when your lady says she's strapped for cash, don't suggest lobster or steak for dinner. not only could you end up paying for the whole meal, you'll make her feel like a piece of shit for being broke all the time.
5. if you spend time with other ladies who you've had relations with in the past, do small things to make your current lady feel ok about your decision to do so. for instance, talk about how ugly and stupid and fat the other ladies are. invite her to come along so that she can see how ugly and stupid and fat the other ladies are for herself. don't spend time with ladies in locations that your lady hasn't been to but might really enjoy. don't get drunk with other ladies. there are other perfectly thirst-quenching beverages on the market...there's just no need to get shitfaced around a girl you've already seen naked.
6. get it. and if you don't get it or have a hard time getting it, be attentive, observant and then make your best educated guess. even educated guesses are better than coming off as clueless and disrespectful.
the point, boys, is that while there are all these subtle ways to make your lady feel special and loved, ultimately these little tricks allow you to live free from the wrath of your girlfriends. we ladies aren't inherently psychotic jealous freaks...you boys who suck it hardcore make us seem this way from time to time. but it doesn't have to be that way! follow my six simple rules and you will begin to see that things will start coming up roses.
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