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2.27.2002
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one time i was talking to some stranger online who asked me if i would describe my ass for him. yeah, i know...what was i doing talking to an internet perv? that doesn't matter. while i didn't end up describing my ass for him, i did begin to wonder just exactly how i would describe my ass if i ever needed to. so i decided to ask my former co-worker kelly, who has never been shy about telling it like it is, how she would describe it.
"how would you describe my ass?" i said to her, without any context.
"flat," she said, without hesitation.
"flat?" i inquired, horrified at the thought of having one of those wide expanses of flattened ass that you commonly see struggling for freedom under tightly stretched polyester pants, usually in some obnoxious color like 'flamingo pink' or 'canary yellow' as if to suggest the person wearing them is actually 'bird-like'.
"definitely flat," she confirmed.
thus began my descent into Flat Ass Paranoia. i started asking everyone i knew to first examine my ass carefully and then comment on it honestly. having nice, polite friends at this stage in the game helps make the FAP go away, but it does nothing for a person seeking the truth about her ass.
then one night i became determined to get to the bottom (ha!) of the FAP situation and asked a friend if he could not only look at my ass to determine its flatness, but also feel my ass to get the most accurate reading of the situation.
later, after what was probably pushing the limits of appropriate ass-groping between friends, he looked me straight in the eye and said, "it's not thaaaaaaat flat."
ahem. not thaaaaaaat flat. he might as well have called it the tennis court of asses...the table-top of asses...the god damned great plains of asses, for crying out loud. defeated in my quest to discover that my coworker was completely wrong about my ass, i decided to stop thinking about it for awhile. i am, afterall, a white girl from the midwest. i'm not expected to have a ghetto booty. white girls from iowa aren't even supposed know what "ghetto" or "booty" actually mean.
with thoughts of flatness almost completely removed from my memory and with my ever-decreasing waistline, i began buying jeans. mostly recently, i bought a pair of jeans from the gap that are fairly snug-fitting low-riders in a size that is smaller than any size i've worn since my sophomore year in high school. impressive, eh? yeah, i'm pretty damned impressed myself. so i get them home and i'm all excited and psyched about this new aquisition and i try them on to show my roommate.
"let me see...ok...turn around," she says, wanting to take in the full experience of these exciting new pants. so i do a little sashet/chante, showing off the new duds. she's looking and admiring and commenting about the low-rider style and about how she likes the bottom cuffs and then out of nowhere she says, "you know, you really do have a flat ass, don't you?"
welcome back FAP, my long-lost companion. welcome back.
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2.25.2002
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do you possess the magic necessary to transform me into a highly paid interior designer? yes? great, please do so now. thanks.
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2.21.2002
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my new mantra:
it's just a job; it's not my life. it's just a job; it's not my life. it's just a job; it's not my life. it's just a job; it's not my life.
my favorite borrowed mantra:
we crawl inside ourselves for control. we crawl inside ourselves for control. we crawl inside ourselves for control. we crawl inside ourselves for control.
the good news is that it is entirely and completely impossible to get any worse than it currently is and never again in my life will my commute be as long as it is at the moment.
also, smoke fest 2002.
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2.20.2002
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so everytime i go to dooce.com, it's almost like reading a summary of the previous night's conversation with the boyfriend. a couple of weeks ago it involved pc-user-turned-ibook-lover sorts of sentiments and after that it was "i'm not a girl, not yet a woman" comments re: britney spears and today it's all about the olympic clothing choice of the americans and the canadians and i'm forced to ask myself questions such as those concerning chickens, eggs and order of appearance.
overheard over lunch
"she doesn't really want a child, she just wants to go through the adoption process because she's convinced it'll make her seem extremely postmodern."
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2.18.2002
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so hey, if you are my friend and you are going to sxsw and you want to hang out with me while you are there, please oh please get in touch with me so we can exchange digits and crap. okthanksbye.
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2.14.2002
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dictionary.com's word of the day
philter \FIL-tur\, noun:
1. a potion or charm supposed to cause the person taking it to fall in love.
2. a potion or charm believed to have magic power.
transitive verb:
to enchant or bewitch with or as if with a magic potion or charm.
"some things you can feel coming. you don't fall in love because you fall in love; you fall in love because of the need, desperate, to fall in love. when you feel that need, you have to watch your step; like having drunk a philter, the kind that makes you fall in love with the first thing you meet. it could be a duck-billed platypus."
- umberto eco, foucault's pendulum
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2.12.2002
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dana = mall-hair-free since '93!
meg = altar-boy-free since '93!
ellen = virginity-free since '93!
richard = neitzche-free since '93!
linda = lower-lid-eyeliner-free since '93!
latifa = penny-loafer-free since '93!
mike = nudity-free since '93!
tammy = it's-a-different-world-free since '93!
ben = rat-tail-free since '93!
regina = professional-opportunity-free since '93!
ada = 'sun-in'-frosted-hair-free since '93!
jon = snap-bracelet-free since '93!
andre = r&b-album-free since '93!
chris = government-specified-fashion-free since '93!
darren = flock-of-seagull-hair-free since '93!
what have YOU been free of since 1993?
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2.7.2002
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after an afternoon spent lusting over an extremely expensive shoulder bag from davos, switzerland, i decided to head home. i figured i could sulk on the bus just as easily as i could sulk in my office except at least on the bus every minute of sulking was another minute closer to home. so i put on my light gray button-up spring jacket and slung my small black manhattan portage bag across my torso, right-shoulder-to-left-hip and proceeded to catch the bus and then the metro.
by the time i got off the metro, my sulking had turned into full-blown lamenting. it wasn't so much that i don't like my current jacket or more importantly my current bag, it's just that everytime i turn my head i see someone with not only a manhattan shoulder bag strapped across their torso right-shoulder-to-left-hip, but my particular small black manhattan portage shoulder bag. and then, as if god really, truly does hate me to the very core of my existence, i spy a girl across the street wearing a light gray button-up spring jacket with ... you guessed it ... a small black manhattan portage bag worn right-shoulder-to-left-hip. (for those of you who need an update on my emotional play-by-play: sulking>lamenting>deep depression.)
that said, i want to let you know that today is a new day. today is a day of optimism and a day of perking up. today i'm going to share with you the true uniqueness of my inner spirit. that is to say that today i am going to document every item in my run-of-the-mill manhattan portage shoulder bag to prove to you that i am not just another passer-by. ready? here goes:
- sheriff of big fun badge
- cellular telephone
- little tan notebook with cute light blue elastic strap
- credit card receipt from fortune taste, $17.65
- checkbook
- wallet, whose innards are not to be disclosed here
- red uni-ball pen
- miniature pontiki brochure from xmas gift
- bus transfer from 29 jan 2002
- atm receipt, $40.00 + $2.00 atm fee
- 7 trident gum wrappers
- $1.24 in loose change
- señor ipod
- face powder compact
- aveda lipstick, wild oats
- clinique blush+brush, plum gorgeous
- eyeshadow, starlight
- 2 crystal clean moist towelettes
- burt's bees rice paper
- unsharpened pencil
- 4 unmatching barrettes
- light blue uni-ball pen
- 3 unused, folded tissues
- 19 loose business cards
- milky candy tin filled with change and bus tokens
- 2 pieces orbit gum
update:
the lusting is over. as a sneaky surprise (early) valentine's day gesture, he got me the bag all the way from davos, switzerland. he wins a million points.
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2.6.2002
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"i've tried, unsuccessfully, to adjust my personality to fit this stationary, but i can't quite get the correct 'kawaii' mentality going. the best i can do is change the handwriting. it's pouring out. the cat's under the desk. i've got a stomach ache. if you were here, i'd try to convince you to come under the covers with me, i'd try to blot out everything in your arms, or otherwise be part of a romantic moment with you. it would never work out. still, i wish you were here to try and fail with. my brain aches with missing you. i think i've probably said that before. i am impossibly nostalgic right now. love, asia"
- 129/300
- 300 love letters
all this from a little package of comics i bought in a tiny store called ruby's pearl in iowa city. would it ruin the moment if i told you i also bought something from the 18-and-older-only room at the same store during the same shopping trip? i suppose it probably would, so i won't speak a word of it.
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2.5.2002
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utter textual brilliance keeps me captivated for a lot of minutes. and in mostly unrelated news, people who say "complete and utter..." really piss me off. hello? redundant!
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2.4.2002
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the other day someone asked me why i suddenly stopped drinking and i replied, "it makes monogamy a whole lot easier."
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2.3.2002
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evidence that i do, in fact, have friends...or at least know a bunch of people who like hanging around my apartment drinking free alcohol.emory's photos
pippa's photos
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