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12.17.2007
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4:08am is a strange hour
"um, i tried to call you earlier but then my phone had died prior. i tried to revive it to call you. well...we all know how that ended. what an interesting night i've had. whaaaaat an interesting night. well...i wish you were awake to listen to what i have to share. alas. alas is what i was going to say before the lovely woman on your voicemail cut me off asking if i was finished recording, to press one. and if i'd like to record again to press two. anyway, option four is to record where you picked up from. or where you've left off, i guess. and that's what i chose. i'd like to leave you with this thought..."
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12.03.2007
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no, thank you
i just received a card in the mail from tiffany thanking me for hosting her over the thanksgiving holiday (which implies that her very presence here was not thanks enough, which it was and always is.)
anyway, she writes:
hey dana,
thanks for a super fun week in LA. i love every minute of it. i picked up some must-have items for you to add to your ever-growing collection of weird/amazing shit. the ring glows if you bash it sideways on a table. you really need to bash the crap out of it. also, the cig is a pen.
enjoy! thanks again.
<3
tiff
she forgot to mention the gummy bacon, which is an amazing food product given my affinity for both bacon and all-things-gummy.
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3.06.2007
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clancy clark ftw
just now while i was answering a linkedin question (very thoughtfully and rather eloquently, i might add), my pal clancy IMed me with the following nugget of awesomeness:
merry fucking fitzmas!
i'm taking a hot-ass nigerian virgin out for dinner then buying a bottle of crown and getting drunk before 8pm...
and i mean TO' UP DRUNK TALKING SHIT ABOUT NATIONAL ICONS LIKE ELEANOR ROOSEVELT DRUNK
thanks, clancy, for making my day a little merrier.
p.s. good luck with the nigerian virgin.
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3.05.2007
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do you smell something?
it might very well be teen spirit wafting through your nostrils. teen spirit? yes! teen spirit! i recently had the pleasure of being in a video for the vlog deathmatch. the rules? 30-60 seconds of silent air guitar goodness, no cuts, no edits...just pure, unadulterated rock. without the music.
so micki decided she wanted her entry to be a re-make of nirvana's 'smells like teen spirit' and let me just say...we fucking rocked that re-make. we rocked it hard. i rocked it with pom poms.
go check it out. and while you're there, be sure to vote for micki krimmel. she's the brains behind the video. and behind that blonde wig.
and in the true nature of campaigning...please, please, please tell your friends. we so clearly have the best video, so it doesn't make any sense that veronica is still in the lead.
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11.06.2006
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iowa is as iowa does
so my cousin melony is definitely becoming a regular around here at maybeiam.com. you might remember her story about the tornado and if you check out my flickr page ever, you probably also remember the jackbutt story. she's my correspondant in the field while i'm stuck here in the city, i suppose.
anyway, she just sent me a fwd: about growing up in iowa, total country mouse style. i've received it maybe 5 or 6 times already, but this time i figured i'd dissect it and walk all you city mice through a day in the life of an iowa girl.
you grew up in iowa if...
you know what knee-high by the fourth of july means.
this is a corn thing. the way to gauge whether or not your crop is doing well is to check to see if the plants are tall enough...approximately knee length on the average farmer. farmers are a lot of different heights, so clearly this is not an exact science. but then, not much in iowa is, except maybe the wrestling programs at both state schools.
you know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the reception and wedding dance.
i was in my cousin angela's wedding and after the "reception" we had to take the entire wedding party from marcus (my mom's hometown) over to remsen (home of 'beer city', a bar that served me when i was 14 years old) to see their grandparents in the nursing home, since they couldn't make it to the wedding. we had a procession of cars, one car per couple (bride/groom, bridesmaid/groomsmen) and in each car was a cooler full of coors light.
this was a great idea for a couple of reasons: first because i was wearing a navy blue dress with an off-white bow on my ass and coors light would help to take the edge off and secondly because i was paired up with a guy i'd had a one night stand with in high school and coors light would help to take the edge off.
this was a terrible idea for one reason: they forgot to put the cooler in our car.
so yeah, thank god for the aforementioned bar hopping that occured after the nursing home visit.
you know the difference between "green" and "red" farm machinery, and would fight with your friends on the playground over which was better!
i posted on my old blog about this phenomenon. translation: green = john deere. red = case international. clearly my family is all about the green.
you buy christmas presents at farm fleet.
either this is a new thing that happened since i left iowa or i've blocked it out of my memory due to childhood trauma. either way, f farm fleet.
more is spent on beer & liquor than food at weddings.
you could simply refer to the earlier question about the bar hopping between the reception and the dance...but also...vats of roast beef, corn, mashed potatoes and giant bowls of cookie salad just aren't that expensive, i'm afraid, making spending more on booze than food a pretty easy thing to do.
you or someone you know was a "pork queen" at the county fair.
are you saying this pink dress makes me look fat??? yes, i knew of some pork queens in my time in iowa, though none of them were actually my friends. they were usually from the bigger towns, population 1200.
you know that "combine" is a noun.
ok guys, this one is easy. it's a species of tractor used during harvest time. also, the emphasis is on the first syllable. CAHM-byn, not com-BYN.
you let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter.
false. i am the oldest and no one had to talk me into it. the swing set just looked so appealing on its own. ouch. i wish i'd seen the christmas story sooner...
you think lutheran and catholic are THE major religions.
there are others (ie., methodist), but they're dirty heathens. don't even get me started on those damn presbyterians.
you know that "creek" rhymes with "pick".
it does, and it's the coolest place ever and your parents definitely do not want you hanging out there. take it from melony, who smashed her finger under a rock and then stuck it in the "crick" to wash off the blood and consequently had to get rabies shots because it was downstream from a cattle farm and full of disease and other indescribable toxins. in addition to shots, we also got grounded. grr.
football schedules, hunting season and harvest are all taken into consideration before wedding dates are set.
plus let's not forget blizzard and mosquito season...that said, homecoming weekend is as good a time as any if you want to maximize your guest list potential.
a friday night date is getting a six-pack and taking your girlfriend shining for deer.
if by "shining for deer" you mean "fucking on a dark and deserted gravel road somewhere" then this is a friday OR saturday night date.
saturday you go to your local bowling alley.
you go there to beg your mom for money, but generally speaking you're probably hanging out in your car taking mains (ie...cruising) and drinking wine coolers on the sly.
there was at least one kid in your class who had to help milk cows in the morning...
and boy did they smell bad. seriously, heather tentinger and kenric johnson, didn't your parents make you shower before school or what? i mean, seriously...
you have driven your car on the lake.
you have done many, many things on a frozen lake...ie friday night date style. *ahem*
every wedding dance you have ever been to has the hokey pokey and the chicken dance.
yep, and some fat chick in a too-small dress almost always falls down because she's drunk and trying to hook up with someone before the night is over.
your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.
my town (population...oh...let's say 175) doesn't have a stop light, but it has a bar. priorities, man.
the local gas station sells live bait.
what gas station??? we don't have no stinking gas stations.
at least twice a year some part of your home doubles as a meat processing plant.
various types of meat smokers, gutted deer hanging from the rafters in the garage, a fish scaling station...yeah, i was a vegetarian for 8 years until these memories left my brain. thanks for reminding me...
you think that the start of deer season is a national holiday.
this is just not true. but it does mean you have to be a little more careful when you're roadtripping and someone has to pee (ie...squat behind the car and hope their shoes don't get wet)
pop is the only name for soda.
it's true. i broke myself of this habit early. when i'm drunk or talking to someone from back home, sometimes a random "pop" slips out here and there. i'm sloppy like that.
you don't need to use your turn signals because everyone already knows where you are going.
not only that, but if you are in high school and you are drunk driving home at 3am, the neighbors know its you by the sound your car makes or the shape of your head and/or tail lights and they call your mom in the morning to rat you out. yeah, phyillis...i'm talking about you! you owe me many, many apologies!!
you know what "party at the field" means.
there is no better place to throw a keg party than in the middle of a field where you and your friends have fashioned rooms by knocking down the corn stalks. there are far better places to have sex, though...many of us found that out the hard way...
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11.01.2006
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orajel
i just got some orajel because i have some aches in my tooth/gum region and i'd like to not experience said aches. so i bought the stuff and got back to my office to apply the numbing elixir to the problem areas when i read the warning:
do not use this product if you have a history of allergy to local anesthetics such as procaine, butacaine, benzocaine, or other "caine" anesthetics. in case of accidental overdose or allergic reaction, seek professional assistance or contact a poison control center immediately.
if you overdose on orajel, i would suggest that instead of doing lines of the stuff, maybe try applying it topically as directed instead.
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10.18.2006
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two-pronged approach
according to cnet, the fbi is up to no good...
fbi director robert mueller on tuesday called on internet service providers to record their customers' online activities, a move that anticipates a fierce debate over privacy and law enforcement in washington next year.
step one: go home and run a google search for robert mueller's home address.
step two: order bombs from ebay.
easy peasy, lickety split...pow!
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10.16.2006
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SAVE THE CHEERLEADER - SAVE THE WORLD!
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8.23.2006
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tits and ass, easy on the ass
boobs. boobs. boobs. boobs. god save the boobs. and you should help.
afterall, if it wasn't for boobs, some men would starve. or was that carl's jr? whatever.
go give sarah all your dollars. and some cents, too.
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8.02.2006
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from whence i came
this morning i got an email from my cousin melony, who also happened to be my best friend growing up. apparently a tornado blew through my hometown (meriden, iowa) last night and the aftermath is equal parts horrible and hilarious...
meriden almost blew away last night! our little 5 street town was basically down to 1 street. you had to practically back in and back out as there were trees and tree limbs blocking almost all the roads. other than the air conditioner BLOWING OUT OF THE WINDOW at my parents house, we escaped with no damage. we were out of town when the storm hit. the maryhill church blew away...it is flat! it could be in kansas by now :-) j/k but really, the wind did actually flatten the church. and how northwestern iowa is this? i had to dodge a whole herd of cattle on my way to work today and it was reported that cows were wondering around in the town of marcus last night!
wandering cows, indeed...thanks for the update from the trenches, melony!
(photos of the former church can be seen on flickr!)
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